like gold, like gold

moved

2009-05-14T17:04:00.002+08:00

blog moved to: ex improviso =D
see ya, friends.

Plato commando.

2009-05-12T19:37:00.007+08:00

Me likey this conversation =D :

BUZZ!!!
gabby: the fuggin connection is fuggin.
gabby: hehe. aren't you off to class yet?
cornbeefman: haha
cornbeefman: haven't even eaten lunch.
cornbeefman: im lazy
gabby: diba 1 class mo?
cornbeefman: yup =P
gabby: lazy.
cornbeefman: I'm overdosed with politics
gabby: AWW.
cornbeefman: and anti-Marcos sentiments
gabby: did you get my explanation last night?
cornbeefman: all I read were dictatorships.
cornbeefman: yeah
cornbeefman: i got it.
cornbeefman: thanks
gabby: i'm happy for you and your brain brimming with political ideas.
cornbeefman: my only enjoyment these days are the quizzes in facebook. =(
gabby: that's nice.
gabby: wholesome fun.
cornbeefman: what's nice about that?!
cornbeefman: I was hoping for an online game
cornbeefman: but I get bored easily
cornbeefman: dota.
cornbeefman: I don't prosper
gabby: DORK
cornbeefman: im always the bait =(
gabby: DORK
cornbeefman: or what they call free kill
cornbeefman: I'm planning to finish Machiavelli after exams.
cornbeefman: and read marxist stuff
gabby: I HATE MARX
cornbeefman: haha.
gabby: READ HIM AND HATE HIM.
cornbeefman: it's okay
cornbeefman: he's ideas are diverse kasi.
gabby: DIVERSE KA DYAN
gabby: NARROW MINDED
cornbeefman: can be applied anywhere
cornbeefman: i mean diverse -- present in all fields or almost all fields in politics!
cornbeefman: atleast that's how i see it
gabby: FINE GET MARRIED WITH MARX!
cornbeefman: why do you get too emotional with Karl?
cornbeefman: Do you have a thing with him? =P
gabby: HE SEDUCED ME.
gabby: COVER PALANG
gabby: and the quooootes
cornbeefman: oohh.
cornbeefman: haha
gabby: pinaasa niya ako
cornbeefman: you like Plato more?
cornbeefman: ... cause he has no family name?
gabby: Plato thinks that my beauty is a matter of fact and not a matter of taste.
gabby: and he's just wearing a tunic
cornbeefman: haha!!!
gabby: and nothing else
cornbeefman: i look stupid
cornbeefman: i'm laughing here. LOL.
cornbeefman: i'm gonna go now.
cornbeefman: i'll eat pa.
gabby: GO EAT
cornbeefman: haha
cornbeefman: take care
gabby: I love you
cornbeefman: i know you do.
cornbeefman: =P
gabby: bitch.

Number 5

2009-05-11T11:06:00.004+08:00

Ugh. I honestly have not been logically nourishing myself these past few weeks. Because of - tadah! Laziness. The excuse I always always give when I fail to do something. It's not even a good excuse. (See, we can clearly see the logic diminishing at the excuses I make.) It's not even an excuse anymore. It's a habit. A monster of me habit. Okay. I'm starting to get random here, so before all hell breaks loose out of my randomness, let's enumerate the things that have been bothering me lately, shall we?

1. Student Council - I don't want to elaborate. It's making me sick.
2. My self and the quest for religion and faith.
3. Human Sexuality.
4. Bad Habits.
5. Yup. That situation.

Regarding number 5: Again honestly (I want to be honest, really) I don't know what to do about it. And I don't want to do something about it. Sometimes the solution to problems is just letting it be and allowing things to placidly do itself out of the rifraf. Time is the only element I trust that can do its job well regarding those "situations". I don't want to explain myself anymore because things will just get cyclical (as in Reply Bill where the series of reply and post will neverendingly ensue when one is offended.) Okay, so let's sort things out. I love sorting! Gahd I must be the sorting hat in my past life! Sort sort sort. DONE!

answering dilemmas

2009-04-26T15:58:00.004+08:00

Okay. So here I am again, answering "dilemmas" from my Art of Thinking book by Vincent Ruggiero. Mind you, this is fun. :D I am entertained. :D

SOLVE: "If Sarah were a real friend, she'd agree with me whether I was right or wrong in my idea. Even a stranger would agree with me when I was right. Friendship demands more than strangers do."

First of all, we should assess it by breaking down the facts. Here's the simple logic behind the statement:

Sarah --> real friend = agrees with me whether right or wrong
Stranger --> not a real friend = agrees with me when I am right
Friends > Strangers
Therefore, Sarah should always agree with me.

This statement is unsound.

In terms of relationship, it is true that there is greater responsibility for a friend to agree to a friend, because of the bond that they have already forged for a certain period of time. When a friend judges your statement, he does not only look at the soundness of your argument, but he also uses your relationship as a standard of judgment. There is an implicit obligation on the friend's side to base his decision on the kind of bond that you already have. This is a good thing if it will lead the friend to tell only nothing but the truth, no matter how it may hurt; or this may turn bad when the decision is diluted because of the closeness that you have (i.e. you would not want your friend's feelings to be hurt because it may ruin your relationship.) as opposed to a stranger, who depends merely on your statements and your arguments when it comes to judgment, since he does not have any relational capital to depend on in the first place. However, this does not necessarily mean that a stranger is more reliable than a friend because he tends to be more objective in the absence of any bond. When a person is not rational, then the choices he makes are questionable. Regardless of relationship, we cannot depend on an irrational person's judgment.

So my conclusion is this:

In terms of relationship, it is true that there is a greater burden of judgment from a friend. We put more accountability to friends compared to strangers because we are closer to them.

However, we cannot use "the degree of bond to a person" as the barometer to assessing truths in our statements, because of the presence of certain factors mentioned above. Put more simply: the degree of your bond to a person is not directly proportional to the truths we will get from their statements (or their agreement to your judgment).

Therefore, Friends > Strangers only holds true when we talk about closeness, but not in making sound choices, etc. :D Therefore, even if a stranger agrees with me from time to time, it does not necessarily warrant a friend to do so as well just because he has the implicit obligation to do so because of the bond. :D Therefore, Sarah does not always have to agree with me all the time. :D

ONE DOWN MORE TO GO! I'm enjoying this. :D

because i am emo i want to talk politics

2009-04-24T10:57:00.010+08:00

We cannot stop ourselves from meddling with people's lives because human beings label irresistible gossip as the genetically predisposed tendency to be altruistic. We "help other people by being prophets of good tidings"; regardless of how tactless the approach may be or how inconsiderate of the situation we all know we would be. Because we would always argue that it's in our blood. Part of man's structure of social interaction. Basic determinism. It's all natural.

People have this knack of making things appear as if it occurred naturally so we don't have to put a blame on anyone. The notion that humans are entitled to their own opinion, and that people should be free to express themselves has been used too much and too aggressively. People abuse this right to put their rights above others, and claim this as justified. Freedom has been used all too sporadically. It's always about me being me and others not going to be able to do anything about it because it's permanent. (If anyone has to change, then it will be you.) This kind of mindset, we always label "freedom". And this kind of mindset, however unfair, is normalized because we label it with good sounding banners like "choice" and "freewill".

We even dilute the meaning of right and wrong by saying that standards are volatile, and that imposing our own morals is unfair or unjust. If Liberalism talks about freewill and freewill is being branded as the answer for all oppression, then why does this very principle seem to legitimize coercion by going back to the very premise of determinism? And if this has been proven so, then why are people still fighting for absolute freedom?

I say, that rule cannot be concretely defined by a single ideology. And an ideology cannot be held to describe a rule permanently. There are only stages to the whole cycle of rule-- and these stages we call ideologies.

Dictatorship for example, is not absolute. It is a state in political affairs wherein ruling calls for an iron fist in governance. The Facist ideology can be the whole foundation for dictatorship, but this can transform into Socialism given the right stimuli. In other times, Dictatorship cannot guarantee permanence, because repression can be the impetus for governance to change into a more liberal form.

Therefore, ideologies are absolute, concretely defined and are only stages in the cycle of rule, and rule is volatile since it is defned by shifting ideologies :D

We have to weigh our reactions to certain situations. If you asked for it, you will definitely get it. In Liberalism, people are believed to be rational; that's the reason why we all depend on each other for rule-- because we trust that our judgments will bear good results and our choices will benefit all. The whole concept of Liberalism is similar to Hobbes' and Rousseau's social contract, saying that the whole point of governance is having the unity and will power to arrive at change by allowing individuals to be free; in return creating an agreement based on trust that all of your actions will be governed by reason. (domino effect: be a good, rational person = others will be good to you = no conflict = peaceful state) However, people abuse this agreement all too easily because in the real world, the only check and balance we have is ourselves and our conscience. It's too abstract a standard to depend on.

So to answer the question: If Liberalism talks about freewill and freewill is being branded as the answer for all oppression, then why does this very principle seem to legitimize coercion by going back to the very premise of determinism?

1. People abuse the concept of trust social contract has provided them. This gave way for them to strategically do bad things in the guise of freewill. Since trust is too abstract and we are bound by nothing but ourselves, everything we think is right, we can make our truths.

And if this has been proven so, then why are people still fighting for absolute freedom?

2. Since we have established the fact that ideologies change, people can't keep up with the changes in ideologies in other forms of rules, thus they cling to the idea of absolute freedom. (off the record, these people I consider very irrational!)

I do understand this and I can't always blame people for being evil because they're born that way. (haha) bottom line is, assess yourself before you meddle with other people's businesses because you don't know who you're hurting. You should do better and improve yourself first before you try solving other people's problems. (In the social contract, even if it says that you have to make rational decisions for people, rationality still starts from knowing when to help people and when to shut up in the first place.) You can't play king just because you know this is a free country. All of us have social responsibilities.

So, here are the conclusions:
Freedom is not absolute. Absolute freedom corrupts absolutely (Lord Acton). People take advantage of this and they are very mean and inconsiderate!
People should be open to the shifting of ideologies in governance. Going against it all the time will just make you tired, because ideologies are bound to change, get it?! Sometimes, change is for the good. And change can be the only way to save us.
We have a social responsibility to be rational and no one can escape from that (this does not just affect liberal democracies but other states alike). You don't just have to be a better person for others, but for yourself and other people. (will result to peace!)

summer sounds

2009-04-24T07:44:00.006+08:00

THE.KILLS

I've been listening to this band for one week now. And I just can't get enough of the lyrics and the beat. This male and female duo definitely makes one of the most creative music I've ever heard in the art-punk arena. According to the band, their 2008 album "Midnight boom" refers to that period within midnight and 6 am when ideas are in adrenaline and the art is beckoning.

(source)

Listen to "Alphabet Pony" in full blast, straight after getting up from bed in the morning and you'll get the artsy-stoned dose of energy you'll need for the day.

Phoney monkey, toy money, loose ends, soda hands, pink plastic Jesus on the dashboard. Just saying. He's the alphabet pony. He's the alphabet pony. No fun, not happy, got no money, need a friend, a volcano dish on a mountain-top to live in. He's the alphabet pony. He's the alphabet pony. I cancel Sunday, cancel Monday, don't look at me, I've running on a no-tomorrow road at great speed, n-n-n-need a punch, a pop, a bang, a different song, like a nice new home needs a mean stray dog. He's the alphabet pony. He's the alphabet pony. Oh we go up down up down up down town again we like the walk, the talk, don't stop and fall into the quicksand. Sharp teeth, dry heat, can't breathe too many sins, don't forget my cigarettes and get something that we can drink. He's the alphabet pony. He's the alphabet pony.

Listen to "Black Balloon" for that dark, melancholic vibe you need during those days when the hollow pits become more hollow.

Elevator straight into my skull. The escalator rises as it falls. I swear our jet is crashin' in my mind. You can hold on but I wouldn't waste your time. Farewell my black balloon. Farewell my black balloon. I've stood in a thousand street scenes. Just around the corner from you. On the edge of a dream that you have. Has anybody ever told you it's not comin' true? Farewell my black balloon. Farewell my black balloon, let the weather have it's way with you. Farewell my black balloon, let the weather have it's way with you. Farewell my black balloon.

Turn "Tape Song" on for that sexy rock'n'roll feel with a tinge of dark soul. The drunk vocals with the metaphorical lyrics surely gives this first single from their 2008 album the indie feel and the deserved acclaim it gets.

Tape ain't gonna fix it honey, it ain't gonna stick. Tape ain't gonna fix it honey, it ain't gonna stick to you. Six kinds of glue. Won't hold you. Won't hold you. Oh my oh, oh my you got to. You got to go steal ahead. Time ain't gonna cure you. Honey, time don't give a shit. Time ain't gonna cure you. Honey, time's just gonna hit on you. You got to go steal ahead.

THE.YEAH.YEAH.YEAHS

I discovered this band when I looked up related music from The White Stripes at imeem. I don't have much idea on their origins, etc. Two of their songs just caught my attention:

(source)

(source)

Bang - sexiest of all their songs. The vocals definitely scream sex (well except for the fact that the lyrics says it all.) The vibe just turn you on!

Bang, bang, bang. The bigger, the better. Bang, bang, bang. The bigger, the better. Bang, bang, bang. The bigger, the better. Bang, bang, bang. The bigger, the better. You ain't no baby no more, baby. You ain't no bigger than before, baby. I'll rub that cheek right off your lips, baby. So take a swallow as I spit, baby. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. As a fuck, son, you suck. My skin tonight is a-blazing. But I don't think you're my type. What I need tonight's the real thing, yeah.I need the real thing tonight. As a fuck, son, you suck x7. Hey, the bigger, the better. Bang, bang, bang. The bigger, the better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, uh, uh, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I need tonight's the real thing, yeah. I need the real thing tonight, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, uh, uh, come on now.

Hysteric - (I have this song in mind for someone.♥) this is one of the songs from their 2009 album "Blitz". You can definitely see the changes from their previous albums. This year's sound reminds me of mainstream brit-pop bands, ala Suede and Muse, female version.

No longer, no longer. What you ask. Strange steps. Heels turn black. The cinders, the cinders. They light the path. And these strange steps. Take us back, take us back. Flow sweetly, hang heavy. You suddenly complete me. You suddenly complete me. Flow sweetly, hang heavy. You suddenly complete me. You suddenly complete me. No wonder, no wonder. Other half. Strange steps. Heels turn black. The cinders, they splinter. And light the path. And these strange steps. Trace us back, trace us back. Flow sweetly, hang heavy. You suddenly complete me. You suddenly complete me. Flow sweetly, hang heavy. You suddenly complete me. You suddenly complete me. Hysteric, hysteric. Hysteric, hysteric. Hysteric, hysteric. Hysteric, hysteric. Hysterical.

exclusivity

2009-04-23T09:35:00.007+08:00

imagesource

tonight, as the moon reaches its orgasm
the you in me becomes ever more poignant. ♥

No longer, no longer
What you ask
Strange steps
Heels turn black
The cinders, the cinders
They light the path
And these strange steps
Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me.

- Hysteric by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Current read: The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

2009-04-22T07:35:00.004+08:00

The third time i will be reading this book. Fitzgerald never fails to give you the imagery needed to produce the right emotions. My favorite character in the story is Daisy. One of the saddest women in literature.

"I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in the world. A beautiful little fool."
-Daisy

1949: Alan Ladd and Betty Field. Movie: The Great Gatsby (source)

Like how you did Gatsby in the library
with the lights turned off
and he was whispering verses of Marx
until you've labeled your hatred for your blondeness
-- with class oppression.

Valerie

2009-04-12T12:44:00.007+08:00

I am afraid of the things I might discover from myself.
Valerie isn't. That's just so fucking hot.

Valerie, Valerie, Valerie
Well sometimes I go out, by myself, and I look across the water.
And I think of all the things, what you're doing, and in my head I paint a picture.
Since I've come home, well my body's been a mess, and I miss your ginger hair, and the way you like to dress.

So come on over, and stop making a fool out of me.
Why don't you come on over, Valerie?
-Valerie by Amy Winehouse

Art of Thinking

2009-04-10T18:08:00.003+08:00

I just started reading this book I got from my brother's shelf: Art of Thinking by Vincent Ryan Ruggiero. I must say, it's a good read. I found a lot of useful tips for efficiency in thinking and performing tasks. Here is an exercise icluded at the Overview part that I answered: (I only chose the best questions.)

Directions: Write a brief response for each of the following statements: (1-2 sentences)

a. We know ourselves better than others know us
Self determination allows us to assume ownership over ourselves, which make us more knowledgable in our faculties. Our thoughts, feelings and actions comprises who we are - and since we own ourselves, then we have better control over ourselves than a third party who can only define us descriptively (without knowing the mechanisms of our being) and not qualitatively.

b. An unborn fetus is a human being
Yes, it is a human being. However, there is still the question of heirarchy. I believe that the living human has greater heirarchy compared to an unborn fetus, since it has contributed more to society. In return, the state even invests more in living humans through guaranteeing their protection (as in laws).

c. Challenging another's opinion is a sign of intolerance
By definition, yes. However, the usage of the word intolerance sends us bad images of discontent and dissatisfaction. Intolerance is not necessarily bad so long as it has just grounding and and proper explanation. Better than passivity, which tolerance can cultivate if left unguarded.

d. Atheists are generally moral people
Yes, I believe they are. Our culture may dictate that atheism is immoral, however, culture is volatile. The set of morals followed by atheists are theirs and we cannot always set the standards according our culture because it's intrinsically incorrect.

how to improve myself

2009-04-10T15:18:00.004+08:00

How I would improve myself:

Value GOD.
Stick to your principles at all costs.
Be a better person. Do not let the values or attitudes of other people stop you from being the better you.
Always think that everything has a significance
Always strive to grow intellectually
Always be honest to yourself and to other people
Be independent. Be wary when you are being dependent on someone of something. Keep your head screwed on all the time!
Think positive!
Listen to yourself.
When you need to do something, do it now!
When giving advice, try your best to put yourself on the shoes of that person. Listen well and talk less.
Respect people’s beliefs and values
Always give your best!
Always be ready for anything!
Instead of dwelling in self-pity and regrets, focus on what to do next.
Persistence is omnipotent
Take care of yourself
Think before you act
Value friendships
Be patient

There are so many barriers right now to my introspection. Technology, pressures both from me and the outside environment and the anticipation of what lies ahead. I have to be more sensible in order for me to maturely tackle these issues.

Sometimes I think that the problem with me is that I don’t take time to analyze myself thoroughly. Somehow, I am afraid of the things that I might discover from myself. And this fear will turn into self-hate. And the-self hate will turn into self-pity. The difficulty is, I know what causes these unwanted feelings and I associate similar unwanted emotions I receive to the endings I do not want to experience. I jump to conclusions. And my perceived solution is fugue. I understand that there is something wrong with that problem-solving strategy – I consider that as a barrier to my introspection as well. I want to look inside me, see the problems and solve them step by step.

Important Points:

Do not be dependent on technology. Technology is so pervasive, to the point that it allows you to reflect who you are, to dictate what you are capable of and set your limitations. We all know how it is to live without it, but it’s easier to focus on your strengths when you focus on yourself as the standard. And besides, who wants relationships built around technology? Meditate – and feel the human imperfections!

I have to just start materializing what’s on my mind and become patient with the results! Remember Calvin Coolidge when he said that “persistence is omnipotent”!

Always be the better person. It doesn’t matter that you were the one maligned or that you feel violated. You always have to act on the situation as maturely as possible. Never settle for a petty response. If the person you’re dealing with is immature, how would responding with the same level of immaturity do the situation any good? Nothing will be resolved. It is very, very tempting to fight back or exact revenge to appease your battered ego – but will you grow as a person?

The world does not revolve on a certain person or a certain thing. If it doesn’t work out, there’s always a plan B. Sometimes, the plan B’s are the ones that take us to the top or lead us to the right people in our lives. Feel life! Everything is connected to everything else! Getting stuck like a bubblegum on your hair will affect all your relations – it will even affect who you are!

Be flexible. Flexibility is key to survival. You don’t become stagnated. When you plan to start something or change something in you, start right away! Sometimes, it helps not setting a time limit for it, and wait until you feel like what you’ve done is enough. (There is a tendency for people to measure their performance on the change based on the length of time rather than the quality of the changes that has occurred.

So there. Not all things I say are necessarily correct or true, but that's how I think I should attack my problems to better improve myself. :)

summer has begun 04/04/09

2009-04-10T15:16:00.001+08:00

April 4, Saturday: Just arrived at Manila from Leyte. I'm finally finally home for the summer! And for PIDC of course. (I haven't been matterloading, by the way.) Cee and I had the same flight but had different seats because the very stubborn me checked in ahead of him. I Transferred seats after. Haha. The flight was scheduled 6pm and got delayed due to air tubulences and air traffick. My sister (new attorney - yey!) and her husband fetched me from the airport. We went to fetch my other sister from the mall to have dinner at Chili's (Tomas Morato). We were all too lazy to take pictures. Haha.

pics from Micah =)

April 5, Sunday: I was left alone by my sister. I got the house all to myself! So I invited my two closest friends, Stacy and Micah over to girl-talk and pig out. We watched chick-flicks! (Micah and I were already busy talking towards the end of the flick, so I wasn't able to understad the ending. Tsk tsk.) M and Sis went home early, though. I met my sister at 7pm at their house in Cubao for dinner at Conti's (The Fort) with Ate Bambs and Aunty Rizza. Fun fun day.

randomness 03/15/09

2009-04-10T15:14:00.002+08:00

Hmm. I was indeed a little insecure a while ago.

My mind's going hooha these past few days. I just want to get over with school. Been wanting to start over since the beginning of 2nd sem. I guess that's what's wrong with me. I have this weird attitude of not wanting to continue when I notice something going wrong (or even about to get wrong). I don't give up easily, no that's not it. I just don't like seeing things get messy so I start all over again. I'm not a fixer. I'm a starter. When I want to solve a problem I start all over again.

Well, I guess I'll elaborate on that later on when I have time. I got the email from Thailand and I found out that I won't be spending much for my accommodations. I am damn tempted. I already know what my mom would say when I tell her about it:

"I thought you said you don't want to go."

"Don't go if you're indecisive."

"You don't have much time."

But hurrah when I told her, she gave a different reply: "Really? Let's go!"

(with the emphasis on "let's") haha. She wants to get away from home this holy week, being all sick from the environment of the Jaro and Tacloban houses. Oh well. I plan to bum around this summer after PI and make essays from our past lessons. I wasn't much contented with my study habits this sem. Initially I was planning to take Spanish but I couldn't find a tutorial near home. Commuting to far places makes me hyperventilate. Or I'd come back home early so I can spend some time doing intern activities with An Waray.

So. It's been a year since my Japan Ambassadorial debut. I feel stagnant! Nothing's coming up so far in my "career" I'm becoming restless. My plans for the 3 month language scholarship's not pushing through. Got disheartened when I learned I have to select my own school. Err. Effort. Lol. I guess I'm better off with ambassadorial programs than with academic. Too tamad to research. Seriously though, when sister scholarships come out from JICE or NYC or JENESYS, I'd apply. (hopefully hopefully) I don't like the idea of the year-long scholarships. I like the month-long or week long stints better coz I get to stay and debate with our team. Debate's the only thing I got right now I don't want to lose it. :|

Polsci's killing me! I hardly did any field work coz I had all the info milked from my lolo (thanks, Tay) so there. I'm procrastinating - the only constant event in my planner. Gosh. I feel the need to do something this summer, my brain's starting to shrink from all the unnecessary rantings in my head.

Hay. No out of the country etcs. One damn compet. And 2 years closer to graduating and finishing school. I want to get a minor in history. Because I suck at history. And I am in lust for Foreign Policy. Can't wait for 3rd year.

systematic ranting 02/18/09

2009-04-10T15:10:00.001+08:00

Yesterday: I finally had the guts to tell my mother I lost my glasses. I really thought she was just pretending not to know because she knows I'm gonna approach her anyway to ask for money. I realized I really need to buy one BADLY when I woke up this morning with a headache. I thought yesterday's symptoms can be cured with sleep -- i didn't get some sleep. Was up late reading Alienation by Marx.

Today: I'm at the library right now. I found out livejournal was accessible. I stopped reading a few minutes ago because of headache. And the book I'm trying to get isn't available. I cannot really bring the laptop to school now since i accidentally sent it to a 24 hour sleep and ruined my report. Although I know my mom will still allow me to bring it if I ask her.

I'm trying to work out friendly ties -- I'm trying my very best not to put her under stress. I know little things stress her. Like me not going home early, or me traveling a lot to places not really accessible, me being stressed lately, me going to Thailand, me not drinking milk in the morning or not eating breakfast, finding out I didn't take my vitamins etc. As much as I'd like to assure her that I'm okay or that my going home at 10pm is not my way of trying to get her attention, I still know that regardless the reasons, she'd always be more concerned of me than I of myself. And it's an automatic response for her to be all worried all the time. She's under stress lately at her work too. I heard over breakfast she has 19 cases. Therefore, the best thing to do is to just give in to her little favors. She likes it when I'm being healthy.

Now: I'm procrastinating. Stuff to do:

Make Reflection paper
Make Psych 11 reviewer
Go to Foreign Policy seminar
Attend Gender Advocacy meeting
Relax and read more Marx :D

Things on my mind lately:

Grades and Intelligence
Grades are such flimsy measures of intelligence. We all know that. And I'm tired debating about that with other people. But it does not mean that I don't take my grades seriously. I do. It's just that I wish I had more time. But, had I focused more on my acads and lesser on my other responsibilities last sem, how I am right now wouldn't be the same. I cannot say I am contented with what I have because I know I could do better than this. I'm just too tired (physically). Haha. Which is why I have to let go of some responsibilities! :)) I received so-so grades last sem (and even in all my previous sems).

Despite that, I will not lose hope! I'm looking for motivation! And I will be motivated! I think I'm motivated now!

Relationships
Romantic relationships are not for the busy. Trying to be romantic requires too much effort, don't you think? I was trying to picture myself in a romantic relationship. Nah. I don't even have much friends. Maybe I should work on that first. :))

Faith
I don't know when I stopped praying. I was actually doing better at attending sunday masses last month! I just lack order in my life right now. I so want to fix a lot of things. And it's hard to submit yourself when you are not sure if your belief will be consistent or not. I want my faith to be consistent -- I feel like it's betrayal to not be.

I want to explore religions! Partly because I'm a sociology student and partly because I want to experience different faiths before choosing the right path.

Running
I am pressured to run. I have a good lot of reasons not to. But thinking more about it, I realized, is it really supposed to be me all the time? Or maybe for once I should consider other people? But it has always been about them for the longest time. What if it's meant to be that way?

I am not confident though. And I know I cannot perform well without full confidence about myself. I'd rather not run at all, than run but not give everything I can for service. Besides, I want to specialize. Politics is not my focus now. At least not yet. I want to be better at debating first. :))

I think the book's available now. Gotsta go! Great day ahead!!!

Ranting time! 02/15/09

2009-04-10T15:08:00.001+08:00

Oh well. I need some random ranting time. I feel e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

Just got home from our 8:30-7:00pm drill. (I know, it's sunday: family day, God's day, study time, etc. For us, it's work day and we did nothing but debate. Except for the times we had to pee or eat lunch or gossip about school politics.) I could not really say I gave my best performance a while ago - but it was definitely better than my last. I was not contented with most of my speeches, and I have dutifully noted what were lacking in our cases. I still feel a teeny bit demoralized about not winning the rounds. Despite our best efforts. Oh well. Performance level speeches can never be duplicated in the classroom. Stinky motto. So there's still potential in our team for VU. Go team!!!

I am so broke right now. Like really broke, and I now know how Cuba feels. I'm economically sanctioned by my parents and they refuse to recognize ties with me due to ideological differences. I guess I'd have to rely on my neighboring communist countires for trade. Being a banana republic sucks.

I am procrastinating right now. I asked Kuya Reb for studying strategies and he told me that the best thing to do is to really take time in internalizing my readings. He told me how he's just starting to feel the pressure of being a UP student - and being an Econ major as well. Yes. I started feeling that last sem when I saw my mediocre grades. I took time management too lightly, relying on my superhuman strength and Hermione clock-turning gadgets. I should re-read HP. I miss having Hermione as my role model.

I stink. I think I badly need a bath, though Cee assured me he could't smell me from his distance while we were casebuilding. "Should I be polite, Gab?" Ugh.

I need to come up with Thailand money for this summer. And since Mamon's dead, I've run out of options. Not kidney. Liver maybe coz it regenerates. Prostitution is unclean. Parents are -- well. The last resort.

Haaah. Good nightie.

Valentine's 02/14/09

2009-04-10T15:07:00.003+08:00

Valentine's is so overrated. I don't really know if I'm saying this because I don't have anyone to share it with or I'm just cynical. A date with my girlfriends at Mc Donald's (Rochelle suggested it coz it's so much fun to look at couples there during v-day.) would count for a celebration I guess. So I'm not considered a cynical yet. Haha.

I actually like being single, especially for my personality. Moody. I get irritated easily of clingy individuals who can't live without love. Honestly, most guys I met just love the concept of "love" and think that getting into a relationship can satisfy that kind of thirst. They just can't see themselves without anyone, because not being with someone limits their manhood.

"There's more to being a man than having the balls to prove it: I must get a girl!"

I actually have a friend who wants to really date me but I think he just wants to because he wants to prove to his friends he's not gay. Oops.

Or I guess I'm much too selfish and dependent to be in a real relationship. You cannot be able to give or even share part of you to your partner if you aren't whole yourself. And that's why I am happy not having someone right now.

Because I know I don't need one yet or I could try needing someone, but it wouldn't be real so what's the sense?

I am happy chasing my dreams, and that's my real love at the moment! ♥

Reconciliation 02/15/09

2009-04-10T15:06:00.003+08:00

I am discontented with myself. I don't know how to measure where I'm at right now. I am stressed over the wrong things and it's bad because it keeps me from focusing on the more important matters I should be worrying about: The disappointments I constantly meet are distancing me from my goals. It makes my self esteem become lower; number one, because it dilutes whatever achievements I have earned before, and two it eats away my time that could have been spent improving my weaknesses.

So why don't I just stop being disappointed? Honestly, it's hard to accept that you have fallen short of your ideals. Because in your mind, the vision of the ideal you is so vivid, so tangible, so convincing - that it's hard to tell from reality. And when that is not met, it's as if a part of you died. Something alive and moving is cut away from you, and you remain incomplete.

To reconcile fear, frustration, and passion all at the same time is one heck of a feat.

Please. Not now.

Maybe

2008-03-12T13:35:00.003+08:00

I do not believe that vision is mightier than the feelings. I have felt without seeing; but I've never seen without feeling.

Maybe it was the smile. Maybe it was the bitterness that made me look away - to the distant horizon where I wished the sea would divorce from the long and winding road. Two hands intertwined, the sunny sky and the wind that blew the hair away from their faces. So much beauty. And so much hatred.

I wish that I could just see without feeling - that maybe abstract definitions can arise from the factual reality - that happiness can just be a symbolism and not the actual truth.

Maybe it was the way she whispers in his ear and smiles.
Maybe it was the cat who knew their secrets and watched them kissing under the rain.
Maybe it was the promiscuity of the wind that touched his skin while he held my hand and told me it was not him.

Maybe nature defines what we feel and what we see.

Maybe it wasn't really him.
It was everything around me.

not to do:

2008-02-22T22:26:00.003+08:00

I want to be in an environment where I would be nourished. I don't think I am there right now. At times I tell myself that excellent people do not complain about their environment; they alter it. But I am confused. I miss my family terribly. And my best friend. And my cat. I'm away from home. But I do not cry. I find ways.

There's so much I owe to a lot of people. I want to give it back, and many are expecting me to do so, but will it be in exchange for my dream? Right now, I am not sure of a lot of things. I am scared of opening up. There may be revelations from me that I myself won't be able to take. I am terribly worried of not getting what I have been anticipating --- for so long. I am scared of failing.

Right now I'm reminiscing on the feeling of getting what I deserve because of doing so poorly.

I don't want to fail.

2008-02-22T20:31:00.002+08:00

Yes! I'm here in Manila. Honestly, I don't really like posting blog entries in my Multiply, cos I always have the feeling that someone's watching my back as I type down every word from my brain. Suffocating - you get what I mean. I feel so vulnerable. Like having a gun on my back. (nah, too much). So I went to my old ways, writing on my ever-so-old blogger. I couldn't leave it and start a new blog! This journal has been a part of my life, and I could see how much I've changed by reading the entries. Less emo. Less tantrums. Less shitty ideas, and more of me. (well, getting there.)

So, an amazing thing happened to me.

I got in the JENESYS Programme of the NYC. Half of me was so not expecting this, but the other half is in denial of my capabilities yet positive subconsciously. It was a very happy moment. I was jumping up and down. I'm going to be a "Goodwill Ambassador from Philippines to Japan".

haah. This is for DebSoc. I owe them a lot. =)

sink, please.

2008-02-22T19:45:00.003+08:00

It still hasn't sunk in yet.

Feb. 18: It was a regular day for me. Went with my daily routine; i.e classes then debate drills from 5:30pm to late at 9. Then I went home alone cos I remembered calling papa to fetch me but he told me he couldn't, so I just went ahead. I was super hungry at that time - thinking about dinner and getting some sleep. Then when I arrived, it was there: an envelope with my name on it. I almost forgot what it was for, I thought it was just some regular advisory. So I tore it open, and received the good news. In fact the best news I've had this year.

I was fulfilling one of my dreams.

Honestly, I'm still a little confused.
Until now.
it hasn't sunk in yet.

Umbrella

2008-02-16T12:09:00.003+08:00

There is rain outside my window. And as the people pass by, I could hear the droplets falling on their feet and the sweat running down the side of their heads. They have too many differences, yet they get wet from the same water coming from a weeping eye. But they couldn't tell. As they continue with their motion, staring straight ahead, I wonder if they are aware that a warm, breathing body is taking interest in their littlest movements. From the movement of their eye, the secret sound of the rhythmic beatings in their chest, and the heat misting away from their skin. It is those that you couldn't see that you feel most. It is those that you have no idea of that you feel at ease with. It is when you don't look back, even if you feel something against your skin. It is faith.

I tried to observe. If I look harder, would someone would look back? I wonder if anyone could see me from behind their umbrellas. I wonder if they're thinking of the same things.

Maybe people were made not to know everything so it would be easy to feel the ground. And the rain. And the sun. And the noontime breeze. Because it in the little gaps of knowledge and stupidity that people learn to think.

I'm back.

2007-12-17T12:39:00.000+08:00

i am back. more mature. less tantrums.

a lot stronger.